As someone who used to identify as perpetually single, I understand the anxiety surrounding February 14th.aka Valentine’s Day. Before my current relationship, I was yet to experience a romantic, non-platonic Valentines. Valentine’s Day compelled me to confront both internally and externally what I perceived as never-ending spinsterhood.
“I’m having a private party…Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come here”
I remember the apprehension and dread, I used to feel at the thought of having to field questions from my mum and aunty about “where’s my boyfriends”. Years of soul searching helped me realise that there’s nothing wrong with being single. The biggest indictment on “aunty” culture is their harassment of black single women. The unnecessarily amplification of the demonization of black single woman, that occurs at Valentine’s Day needs to change. As cliché as it seems I’d rather be happy and alone, than suffering in a relationship. Men remain trash and sanity and safety over everything. I’m happy that in 2021, we are de-stigmatising being single, buying suction dildos and sending ourselves flowers.
“I’m havin’ a private party, learning how to love me. Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah”
Stay Strong Singletons
Thankfully with fraternisation and flirtation extinct due to ongoing pandemic, being single is no longer perceived as indictment or failure. Although, the lockdown has made it more socially acceptable to be single, Valentine’s Day remains a hazardous holiday for singletons. Steeped in capitalism and patriarchy Valentines’ Day, is a hallmark holiday aimed to proliferate “single shaming” and rush woman into potentially unhealthy relationships. Being single in the digital era means having to be subjected to an influx of social media “couple goals”, triggering feelings of inadequacy. Exposed to falsities of happiness and I know in the past I wonder where’s my “somebody’s son”. My advice for singletons feeling lonely and left out this holiday, please remember that the majority of Valentine Day content, you’ll be subjected to isn’t a true reflection of someone’s relationship.
Started to feel a little pity that’s when I realized that, I gotta find the joy inside of me
Portraying a Pinterest perfect couple, I’ve seen people stuck in a toxic relationship who post their materialistic Valentine’s day experiences and presents, but knowingly suffering chronic infidelity and emotional manipulation.Don’t compare yourself to YouTube couples trapped In joyless, mort relationships, trying to exploits all the possible monetary value before they get caught in a lie. Valentine’s Day has matured into crude performatism, a band aid use to cover fatal relationship flaws with red flags. Make sure you delete all your dating apps for the weekend an, Valentine’s Day is not the time to be searching for a special someone. Dating apps that weekend, will be full of thirsty dudes trying to capitalise on loneliness single ladies may feel.
“I’m gonna take off all my clothes, look at myself in the mirror. We’re gonna have a conversation… we’re gonna heal the disconnection”
Replace Valentines with Mine – Make It About You
Mine Day isn’t a day to wallow, it’s the ultimate self care and relaxation day; use the day to pamper yourself. It’s time to get reacquainted with yourself and re-establish intimacy with yourself. We as women , particularly black woman, need o rebuild the romantic relationships with ourselves – the first love, should be self-love. Pour yourself a glass of your favourite red, white or rose – make sure to leave the bottle. Light some candles and play slow jams to soothe your soul.
Seduce each of your senses – spray your favourite fragrance, try on some lingerie or strip down into your birthday suit, look in the mirror and admire. I know for some, lockdown has caused weight gain causing dips in self-esteem – any changes in your body doesn’t detract from the fact you’re still the “Sugar, Honey, Ice, Tea” (SHIT). Tease yourself with a feather tickler to stimulate your nerve endings – turn yourself on.
Admire and caress your curves, embrace your flaws and recognise your achievements – compliment yourself. Speak affirmations in your life and verbalise 10 things you love about yourself, it’s time to reaffirm the reasons why you are. Due to our deviation from white patriachy, society has aimed to humble and diminish black woman. In 2021, we are normalising black woman practising self-indulgence and self-confidence. “Mine” Day is the optimal time to bring out your favourite suction toy, clit stimulator or dildo and “cater to yourself”. In the words of Tweet and Missy, “I looked over to the left I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself, I looked over to the left, I was feeling so good I had to touch myself”. If you consider yourself as spiritual, implement some masturbation manifestation. Masturbation manifestation is where you visualise goals you want to achieve as you bring yourself to climax. My favourite thing to do on Valentines Day is a yoni steam , there’s something incredibly powerful about cleansing your pussy from all the past penises that penetrated and break any soul ties.
Enjoy a soak in a luxurious and relaxing bubble or spiritual bath. Insert jiggle balls to contract and stimulate your walls. My body responds well to bath salts, essential oils. Depending on your pH balance allows, try bath fizzlers and bath bombs. If you plan on having a long steamy bath – make sure you’ve drank your 2 litres of water throughout the day. Follow the bath up with sweet smelling body cream, slip into a nice satin slip, between silk sheets.
“My body is beautiful and sacred and I’m gonna celebrate it